Chapter 28

“Stop fidgeting.” 

“Yes Mrs. Beauchamp.” 

She was quiet as she measured and poked and prodded.  Then she put that thing on my arm again and pumped it up and counted with her stethoscope.  She sighed.  “This is one of the reasons I despise young girls getting pregnant.” 

I kept my mouth shut even though I wanted to tell her that it hadn’t exactly been my choice.  Nothing against you Bean but facts are facts.  Instead I told her, “Roman is making me liver to eat.” 

“He … he is?  Well …” 

“I feel better than I did.  He does stuff like that really good … er … well.  He does that stuff really well.” 

“Hmmm,” she said not quite looking at me.  “Tell him to keep it up.  I’ll see about making sure that you get some milk though with the weather being like it is there is little enough to go around.” 

“It’s ok.  I can’t really drink it.  I can eat it if it is in something else like bread but I can’t drink it straight or have too much pudding or custard.  I can drink goat milk though.” 

“I beg your pardon?” 

“We just had goat milk in Africa.  It wasn’t until we came back to the states that we found out I couldn’t drink cow milk.  Neither Tim nor I could.  My mom said you could have knocked her over with a feather because besides the polio I had as a baby neither Tim nor I were ever sick.” 

“You … had polio?” 

“Yes … er … ma’am.  I caught it from the sister of a girl that used to come help Mom in the village school before I had all my vaccinations.  Or that’s what they told me when I got older.” 

“You have all of your vaccinations now?” 

“Whatever I had to get to come back to the US.  The mission board made sure.  Then I got a couple of boosters before they would let me attend school.  And the … uh … the inspectors made us girls … get shots too.  It was the law.” 

“The inspectors?” 

“Something … that … you’d probably rather not know about.” 

“Oh.  Inspectors.  I … see.” 

I was quiet after that and she didn’t look like she knew what to say.  Finally I couldn’t stand it anymore.  “Well I’m sure you have lots of important stuff to attend to.  Roman says you really take care of things.  Soooo, I’d better get out of the way.  I’ll … uh … I’ll just go sit on the steps.  Outside.  Out of the way.” 

Which I almost got away with.  “One moment.  I will be sending someone over to look at that … house … and see what all is needed.” 

“Huh?” 

“Last time I was in there it was plainly not ready for habitation.” 

“Oh, yeah it was pretty dusty but there wasn’t anything really wrong with it or broken.  I got it washed up … when Roman wasn’t bossing me to sit down out of the way.  And I’m not allowed down the cellar stairs – Roman pitched a fit the first time I tried – so that part hasn’t been cleaned yet.  And the outhouse is still pretty disgusting but that’s because Roman says he needs to dig a new hole after the ground has thawed and repair the sitter part and roof but I got rid of all the wasp nests and cob webs and as much of the dirt as I could.  When he has to go hunting and I stay at the house he leaves me pictographs so I’ll know where he is at because one time I woke up and he was gone and … and I got scared.  But we’re figuring things out and all in all the place is really nice.  With polish and some vinegar to clean the glass with it will sparkle.  Roman has been working on furniture and I’ve been piecing together other stuff and …” 

She raised her hand and said, “Stop.  One thing at a time …”  So I had to go through the house room-by-room in my head and tell her that we were doing just fine but she still made a long list if all her scribbling means anything.   

Mrs. Beauchamp was still raking me over the coals, caught between telling me what not to do because of you Bean and telling me what just had to be done to keep house appropriately, when Roman stuck his head in the door and he didn’t look happy.  “You ready to go?” 

“Sure,” I said jumping up to escape. 

Mrs. Beauchamp nixed that idea by saying, “One moment.  You may wait outside but you will not leave until I attend to a few items.” 

I thought it strange that Roman didn’t even react to the way his mom was talking like he normally did and I followed him outside.  He wasn’t angry or anything.  He looked sad and embarrassed and upset all wrapped into one.   

“Roman was the meeting bad?” 

“Huh?  No.  Got out a while ago.  Dad and David said I should have come to them with my concerns about Donovan’s location choice to begin with and it would have saved all this trouble and I told them I had but that no one paid any attention and said I was making a mountain out of a mole hill.  I even reminded them which meeting it was in and David pulled the minutes to prove I was wrong … and then had to eat his words.  Not sure what to make of it but Saul is stirring something.  But mostly … uh … it was … Ok.”  He stopped for a minute then he said, “Except Alex was there.  He was sitting away from the table and I wasn’t the only one that wasn’t comfortable with him being there.  Peter almost got in trouble with Dad but then someone else from the enclave said something along the same line and Dad … let it go.  Alex … I don’t know.  He looked …” 

“Don’t worry about Alex.  Let’s go.  I want to go Roman.” 

“Hey?  You ok?” 

“Is he still here?” 

“What?  Oh … uh … Saul walked him back upstairs and … he’s locked in Thorn.  And when Saul locks something it stays locked.  There’s also someone sitting outside the door all the time.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yeah.  It’s not like it was last time.  He’s not allowed to talk to anyone anymore.” 

“How do you know?” 

“Because Alex told me.” 

“Uh … Roman if he isn’t allowed to talk to anyone how was he talking to you?” 

“It was after the meeting broke up before Saul made him go back upstairs.  That … that wasn’t really talking.  I didn’t talk to him, mostly Alex tried to talk to me.” 

“Let’s go.” 

“No.  Mom said something about wanting to do something or other and David and Peter are going with us.  The Peterson family has moved out west to join some group out there.  They had to leave almost everything behind.  The Council voted that except for a few items already spoken for, most of the house goods are going to come to us rather than take the chance on them going to waste.  That includes the wood pile though that is being split with some older folks that are running low on wood.” 

“Oh.  Why are they doing that?” 

“I guess they figure I can’t set you up right.” 

That was a very strange way to put it but I told him, “Obviously they don’t know you because you are why I am feeling better.  I told your mom about the liver and I think she was surprised that a man would think of it but she said for you to keep doing what you are doing.” 

That seemed to chirk him up a bit I could tell.  “Uh … she did?” 

“Yeah.  She was also surprised that we’ve got everything cleaned up though I hope you didn’t think she was going to let us get away without giving a lot of orders and advice.  Seemed kinda disappointed though that she didn’t need to give us more than she did.  I think she has a complex or something.” 

He almost smiled but then seemed to think of something and got depressed again.  “Roman what is it?  Did … did I embarrass you?  I tried not to.  I even said ma’am to your mother.” 

“What?  No.  So what if there’s some stiff rumped jackasses around here.  You find them no matter where you go.  If you are around people you can’t get away from ‘em.” 

“Then what is it?  Can I do something?” 

He sighed.  “I just look around and … and I wonder if you did the right thing by letting me push you into being with me.  It is plain that I am never going to measure up to all your experience.  Hell, you have to treat me like a damn baby sometimes or I pass out.” 

And I was furious, just like that.  “Roman?  Remember that tab of stupid things you’re trying to remember not to say?  Add that to the list.” 

“What?” 

“Who said what to you?” 

“Wait.  You lost me.  I guess I’m just slow about this stuff.  Can’t even read the hymnal and have to wait a couple of notes to figure out what we’re singing.” 

“Roman, I’m gonna ask one more … wait … was it him?  Did he …?”  I looked up involuntarily to the second floor and sure enough Alex’s smirking, smarmy face was at one of the windows staring down.   His smile got bigger and wider when he saw I’d realized how easy he had gotten to Roman.  What he didn’t count on was just how mad I was.  I’d fought with him but he didn’t think I had murder in my heart. 

I snatched up a brick from walk way border and heaved it so hard and fast at the window where he was standing that I fell down.  But I was satisfied to see he almost didn’t move fast enough. 

The crash had people running.  And a lot of squawking was going on with all the women in an uproar over me being some wild and crazy something or other but it was Andrew that broke in and said, “Alex … was playing tricks.  I’ve been concerned that he has been backsliding rather than moving forward.  I had suspected something of the sort when I saw him speaking to Roman before Saul escorted him away.” 

Peter who’d come from a different direction said, “Well that explains the chicken shit eating grin he had on his face before Thorny let fly.” 

“My name is not Thorny, it’s Thorn.  And he isn’t going to get Bean and he isn’t going to get Roman!  No!  No!  No!  I’ll leave first.  I’ll …” 

“You’re not going anywhere unless I say so,” Roman said interrupting my tantrum.  “And what I’m saying is that you are going home and get out of this weather.  You’re that funny color again.  Mom!” 

“For Heaven’s sake Roman, stop bellowing.  I’m right here.” 

“Why does she keep turning that funny shade of grey?  It ain’t natural.” 

“Isn’t natural,” she said on a long suffering sigh.  “Missy?  See if Fletcher is nearby and have him get a driver for the wagon that belonged to the Petersons.  It is barely suitable but it will have to do.  Narcissa will not be riding horseback.  Why someone allowed her to ride that way this morning is outside of good sense.  David, you should have thought of that and if not you, Andrew you should have.” 

I wanted to gripe again but Roman’s arm across my shoulder tightened and he shook his head which means basically that I need to pick my battles, preferably one I can win, and the name thing and his mother’s bossiness looks like one I’m not going to win. 

Mr. Beauchamp stomped around the corner of the house and asked angrily, “What is the meaning of this?” 

Mrs. Beauchamp said, “Your son …”  I felt Roman wince but Mrs. Beauchamp surprised us … just about everyone in the yard to be honest … by pointing a condemning finger to the broken window and saying, “Alex is reverting to childish antics and upsetting Roman and Narcissa.  His recent methods of manipulation may also explain why Patricia is acting like a …”  She stopped cleared her throat and continued.  “Why Patricia is unable to maintain her composure.”  Then she said the words that I hope she never says about me.  “Something must be done.” 

Roman leaned over to me and whispered, “Think we better get while the getting is good.” 

“Roman Douglas Beauchamp.” 

Roman sighed, “Too late.” 

“I wish a full report on the progress you are making from here on out as well as a list of supplies that you require to maintain the speed at which you are currently working.” 

Almost humiliated Roman said through clinched teeth, “Mom, you know I can’t write.” 

“I beg your pardon?  If you leave pictographs for Narcissa I do not see why you cannot afford the same courtesy to your mother.  If I can decipher your father’s hideous chicken scratch handwriting I certainly have the capacity to understand your system.” 

Roman looked at me and then told his mother cautiously, “Uh, yes ma’am.  I’ll be sure and get right on that.” 

“See that you do.  I am frankly appalled that those ridiculously expensive tutors that the school suggested did not attempt this years ago.  If they were here I would certainly be giving them a piece of my mind.  How dare they say that my son was not capable of …” 

She stomped off and everyone in the yard let out a collective sigh of relief that she was focusing her particular brand of energy in some other direction … namely in having the wagon loaded just the way she wanted it to be loaded and with what. 

Roman picked me up off the ground where I had remained and started carrying me around the house.  “I can walk.” 

“No you can’t ‘cause I’m carrying you.  Can’t do both at the same time.  Against the laws of nature.” 

“Roman, did I hit your head with that brick before I let fly with it?” 

“Deserve it if you did.  Now stop wiggling.  My hair is catching on fire.” 

“How can you possibly be thinking of that with me when your mom just about laid waste to a five mile radius?!” 

“That?  Oh, that’s nothing. That’s just mom being mom.  She’s really not such a bad ol’ gal all things considered.” 

Peter jogged up and whooped a laugh before saying, “Better not let her catch you saying that.  She’d turn loose on you like nobody’s business.” 

“She’d have to catch me first.” 

I told him in a falsely patient voice, “Well since I can’t run and keep up with you just lay off picking on your mom.  That’s a woman that were she so inclined she could have owned a piece of everything going on on the docks.  She’s scary.” 

Both men grinned which convinced me they were both definitely a few bricks shy of a full load.

Chapter 27

Bean he was right and I told him so.  Eating the liver did seem to help.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe it’s just his cooking or something.  He laughed when I told him.  I like it when he laughs like that.  Like he got a good surprise.   

I wish I was a different kind of woman.  I wish … well it is stupid because it’s never going to happen and all I do is make myself feel bad when I think about it … like now.  But it’s the truth.  I wish I was all fresh and new and had all that to give to Roman.  He deserves better than some dock whore.  I’d forgotten that there were good men.  I’d forgotten because I hadn’t wanted to think about it.  Hadn’t wanted to think about what I’d never have.  Only I do remember now and I do have one that for some reason wants to be with just me even though I don’t deserve to.  And I know I’m only fifteen but I don’t feel it.  A lot of the time I feel old and tired and used up.  I try not to for Roman and for you too Bean but I don’t think I’m ever going to feel fresh and new, there’s just no way.  And maybe I don’t deserve it either. 

It was cold yesterday but there was no snow like the Sunday before so there was no way we could get out of going to church meeting.  Andrew has come by almost every day like we are a special case that he has to work extra hard on to get to keep his ticket to Heaven or something.  Like he’s almost afraid to fail.   

Roman was seriously angry at basically being told he and I both better be in a pew on Sunday willingly or that Mr. Beauchamp would come get us and put us there unwilling.  I told Roman not to be mad because his family was afraid. 

“Afraid?!  Of what?!” 

I still don’t understand why some things are so easy for me to see and so hard for him to see.  I explained, “Being wrong.  I can see it on Andrew every time he comes.  He’s more and more desperate.  I don’t know why I just know that is what he is.” 

“Andrew?  No way.  He’s sure about everything.” 

“Is he?  I don’t think so.  I think he acts like he is sure because if he isn’t sure other people might start doubting.” 

“And how do you figure that?” 

“I remember … sometimes I remember … the things my father would say.  He wasn’t a big man like you and your brothers.  He wasn’t loud.  But … but he had something.  People looked up to him even if they had to look down.  He brought quiet into a room just by walking in … didn’t matter how crazy everything was, he just … it was almost like he wore it like a coat or something.  And he could open that coat and everyone that needed to could fit inside it too. I remember him saying once that he couldn’t be any other way because people needed to see him believing in and acting the same way he told them they needed to act and what to believe in.  He didn’t want to be the reason they had a … a crisis of faith.  Or something like that.” 

Roman was quiet for a long time.  “Would you mind going to Sunday meeting?  If the weather isn’t too bad?” 

“I think we better.  I think … I don’t know Roman.  I think maybe you need to find out if anything is going on that we need to know about.” 

“You’re thinking of Alex aren’t you?” 

“I’d rather not but yeah … I can’t forget he … he tried to make Bean go away.  I’ve tried not to think about him much at all ‘cause I’m with you now but …” 

“Ok, we’ll go but only if the weather is good enough and only so long as you feel ok.  And we’re leaving if Alex is there.” 

“Deal.” 

Well Alex wasn’t at the church meeting but just about everyone else in the enclave was.  It was a toss up to see who they were more interested in seeing how they would act.  Us.  Roman’s family.  Or Patty who I admit seemed to almost be on the verge of tears the whole time when she wasn’t praying like her life depended on it.   

Fletcher kinda squashed the worst of the nosy parkers by coming over and sitting with us but then Roman said, “You don’t need to sit here Fletch, we’re gonna mind.  Geez.” 

I put my elbow in Roman’s side and he said, “Ow!  What did you do that for?” 

“To keep you from burning a bridge you’ll be sorry to see go.  I think your friend is being your friend, not Saul’s man.” 

“Oh,” he said remorsefully.  “Uh …” 

Fletcher smiled and said, “Not possible.  He’s already tried and I’m fireproof.  Sorry I ain’t been able to get out that way.  I’ve uh … been helping Patty.” 

Both men looked uncomfortable so I said, “That’s what brothers do.  At least they do when they are good brothers.” 

Fletcher gave a small grin and Roman gave a bigger one.  “Fletcher makes a good brother … even when he isn’t your brother.” 

Both men relaxed all the way from there except for occasionally stiffening up when someone would get close to being rude as they walked by.  For the most part though no one did and in a way that made it harder for me because there was no one for me to fight, even if it was just fighting in my head.  And that made me think about how I act.  And from there I just couldn’t hide from all that is wrong with me. 

Bean I’m sorry if I’ve embarrassed you at some point or made it hard for you to be the best you can be.  I’d like to say it’s not my fault but I have a feeling most of it is.  Andrew’s sermon was on how we could turn over a new leaf and be a new person, we just had to decide that is what we are going to do.  And it sounded almost easy when he said it, but it seems no matter how much I try and be a new person there’s some things that just aren’t ever going to be that way.  I can’t unknow the stuff I know about men.  I can’t unlearn what it feels like to be in pain or to have done to me some of the things that were done.  I can’t seem to change that I get suspicious when anyone touches me.  Even with Roman it is hard not to assume that he’s wondering about bedroom stuff.  It’s impossible to unknow what people are thinking when they look at me because I can see it in their eyes.  Maybe I’ll live a long, long time Bean but I’ll never be able to cut out the part of me that says dock whore to everyone who looks at me.  It’s like I’m unwashably dirty. 

After Sunday meeting Mr. Beauchamp demanded we come back to their place to eat and discuss how things were going.  Then he just walked away like it was a foregone conclusion that we would follow. 

“Why?  Dad never cared to discuss anything with me before,” Roman asked Peter who stood looking after their father. 

“Because he wants to know.” 

“Again … why?  Seriously Peter, none of you have ever asked me that kind of thing before.  I don’t get it.  We’re staying out of everyone’s way.  We haven’t asked for nothing.  What could he possibly think we are doing to get into trouble?” 

“Roman don’t be so defensive.  You know how it is.” 

“No.  No I really don’t.  I’m telling you Dad has never … look, just tell ‘em I’m taking Thorn back.  She’s still recovering from all she’s been through and she’s a lot more quiet than she normally is.  And her color is funny again.” 

“I can see that.  So did Mom.  While you and Dad talk she says she wants to do all that female checking stuff on her.” 

“She has a name.  It’s Thorn.  Try using it.” 

“Dammit, you’re as prickly as she is.” 

Saul walked up and it was he that told Roman, “It’s more than family stuff.  It is an informal enclave meeting.  You are one of the furthest out of the occupied houses and we’ve heard some other enclaves have had trouble with people leaving the city looking for food and trying to move into the various territories.  We are a piece out but Donovan’s group is further and they’ve had run-ins with city people already.” 

“Donovan’s group might be further out distance wise but I told you it was stupid for them to build that close to that trail grouping.  I told him then that if the trail was convenient for his horses it was going to be just as convenient for people to walk on.  That horse trail they live off of is part of that big state trail system and abandoned or not it has accesses all up and down the old interstate.  All someone has to do is get on it and start walking and they’ll eventually pass his enclave.” 

Saul looked at him like he’d said something interesting.  “If I plot the points you think you could figure where they are most likely starting at?” 

“If someone will read off the city names and give me times and how well they were equipped and not just points.  One thing for sure is that if they are making it all the way to Donovan’s they are either getting help or going through areas where they can get supplies from.  That means someone needs to check on, if they haven’t already, all of those real small family groups that have set up around there too.”

Chapter 26

Bean, you got lucky.  I think we both did.  It doesn’t even matter that Roman is Alex’s brother or that his other brothers can’t seem to keep their feet out of their mouths.  When Roman sets his mind to something he really means it. 

I’m warm.  Really warm.  And on all sides not just the one that is backed up to the fireplace or stove.  When he said that he’d give me furs he wasn’t exaggerating.  And he said I could sew them anyway I wanted to.  First I made a fur hat like I’d once seen in a magazine picture.  He said the fur that I picked for it was rabbit.  I didn’t know rabbits could be so soft.  The only rabbits I remember were short-haired and scruffy looking … and rabbits bite I remember that much too.  When I said that to Roman he said animals generally have different furs during the winter than they do during the summer which is why most of the fur trade is done in winter furs.  When I told him that the rabbit fur was appropriate for a hat because I bite too he laughed.  I made him laugh Bean.  I don’t think I’ve ever made anyone laugh, at least not like that. 

Next I made a blanket, it’s taken a couple of days but I finally finished it.  It was interesting trying to fit the different furs together like a jigsaw puzzle.  I lined it with an old blanket that I found in a bag of throw offs that Peter brought.  That was a scene. 

“We aren’t charity!” Roman snapped at Peter. 

“You sure as hell are.  Or so says Mom.  She and the Four Terrors went over to the church’s poor closet and took out what could be spared.” 

They went back and forth until I told them to stop or they could wipe up the puke from all the acid in my stomach because you didn’t like the noise they were making. 

“I can work with this Roman.  This is about like what Mother Mary would throw at us when she thought about it.” 

Peter scowled.  “Are you comparing my mother to your pimp?” 

“No.  Just what she did which can’t be denied so don’t try.  Guess what Roman is teaching me?” 

He gave a nasty grin and said, “I’d a thought it would be the other way around.” 

“Peter, you’re a jerk.  No wonder you’re just second-hand help.  Mr. Beauchamp and David must have to dig you out of so many holes your mouth gets you into that they are lucky they don’t have civil unrest on their hands.” 

“What the hell?  Now listen here you …” 

“He’s teaching me to cook.” 

“I … uh … Roman is teaching you to cook?” 

“Yeah.  My understanding is most men are stupid about that stuff and won’t learn because it is women’s work.  But not Roman.  He’s really good and he’s a good teacher.  He don’t yell and snarl and snap or anything like that.  Not even when I burnt toast that first time I tried to help.” 

“Uh … yeah well … Roman … I gotta go, can’t babysit you two all day.” 

After Peter had lit out for the enclave proper Roman stopped and asked me, “How do you do that?” 

“Do what?” 

“Get rid of them so fast?  I’ve been trying to do that for years and usually anything I try just winds up making them hang out longer and be more irritating.” 

“Haven’t you noticed yet?  It’s my one and only talent … running people off.”  Suddenly I was depressed for no reason.  “You’ll figure it out and then you’ll be running off.” 

“Hey … I don’t break promises and …”  He stopped and looked at me.  “You don’t feel good do you?  You are that funny color again.  C’mon, back to bed.” 

“I’m not a kid Roman.” 

“No but you’re making a kid and if you listen to my sisters it’s the damn hardest job on the planet next to raising them to behave right.” 

“I’m not sure I can do that.” 

“What?” 

“Teaching Bean to behave so that they can get along with real people.” 

“Oh don’t worry about that.  We’ll figure that out together when the time comes.  For right now what I’m figuring out is that you need more rest.  And if you don’t mind while you’re resting I’m going hunting.  I want to try that liver out on you.” 

“Uh Roman …” 

“Trust me Thorn.” 

Strangest thing Bean.  I’m pretty sure I do.

 

Chapter 25

“You sure this is ok?” 

“Roman?” 

“What?” 

“Do you want to kiss or not.” 

“Thorn!” 

“What?  I thought you …” 

“I know what you think I’m thinking.  And God help me I am.  But geez.  I don’t want you to think it’s the only reason.  And then there’s Bean.” 

“Roman?” 

“What?” 

“Stop acting like your hair is on fire and come do whatever it takes to put it out.” 

“Oh gawd.  Are you sure?” 

“Would you rather I prove it and kiss you first?” 

“Oh gawd.” 

--------------------------------------------- 

“I’m dead.” 

“What?” 

“I’m dead.  There is no way for me to feel this good and still be alive.” 

“Really?  ‘Cause you seem pretty lively to me.” 

“Thorn are you really sure?  Are you really sure this is ok?” 

“Roman?” 

“What?” 

“I think your hair needs putting out again.  Need some help?” 

“Aw gawd.  I’m dead.  That’s the only possible explanation.” 

------------------------------------- 

I woke up needing to go to the bathroom.  I was also sore.  When I tried to roll over I accidently moaned then jumped when I felt hands on me. 

“Thorn?” 

His clothes were scratchy against my skin.  “Wha …?” 

“Are you ok?  Need to get up?” 

“Outhouse.  Now.” 

“Everything is frozen.  I put a bucket of sawdust in the old bathroom at the end of the hall.” 

“Fine.  Anything.  Just NOW.” 

By the time I was finished I realized I’d never been so cold.  Even the mandatory winter baths at Mother Mary’s were balmy and tropical compared to this.   

“Back in bed.  Hey, why are you limping?” 

“I … I’m sore.” 

“Oh.  Oh man.  Are you ok?  I mean …” 

“Don’t.  I can’t put your hair out right now.  I gotta rest first.” 

“That’s not what I meant.  Thorn I’m so sorry.  You should have said something.  What can I do?  Should … should I get someone?” 

The idea actually made me nauseous and I shook my head and put him straight.  “You didn’t hurt me.  I’m always sore.  Just before it’s because I fought.  I’ve … I’ve never been willing before.  I don’t know how to do willing right I guess,” I told him feeling depressed. 

“Not … not even with …” 

“Alex?  No.  And I don’t want to talk about the others either.  Ever.” 

“Oh.” 

 I hadn’t meant to sound so mean about it so I explained, “I’m sorry Roman.  I know you don’t mean anything by it but … Roman a lot of them picked me because it got around that I’d fight.  And that’s … that’s what they paid for.  And they all hurt but some of them … they paid extra to hurt me extra or in different ways.  I just don’t want to go back there in any way, even if it is just memories or answering innocent questions.  I … I …” 

“Shhh.  I’m an idiot.  Next time chuck something at my head.  I don’t want to talk about them guys either or I might have to go find them and beat the holy living crap out of them and return their hurt with something permanent.  C’mon.  Get under the covers.  You’re shivering.  We’re going to have to do something about some warmer clothes for you.” 

“I’m … I’m sorry Roman.  I just need to rest.” 

“Shhh …” 

I must have slept a while but it was still dark when I woke up. 

“Huh?” 

I jumped when Roman pulled me back under the covers.  “Stay here.  A storm has come up; pretty bad one.  No sense in getting up.  I’ll get you something to eat.” 

“I’m not really hungry.” 

“How about Bean?  Think you could eat something for Bean?” 

“I … I guess so.”  Roman handed me a mug of some kind of soup but all I could say was, “I’m sorry Roman.  I … I tried but I guess I’m no good at this stuff.  I guess … I guess … Mother Mary was right.  All I’m good for is the rough stuff.  That there must be something wrong with me.” 

“Hey!  Don’t talk like that.  Remember I said it was going to take a while to figure out the bedroom stuff?  I rushed too fast.  Just … dammit … I … I couldn’t seem to get you out of my head.  I looked.” 

“At what?” 

“At you.  That night.  You were so wet and cold I was worried at how pale you were.  I … I took you out of those clothes and wrapped you in covers.  I tried not to look, tried to be a gentleman, tried to ignore Alex making comments, but I did look and I haven’t been able to get you out of my head since.  Even knowing how young you are and with a baby on the way you … you took my brain over.  I’ve done nothing but think about you, dream about you.  I was totally pissed and more at Alex.  The more I heard the angrier I got.  But I was mad for another reason.  I wanted … I wanted you Thorn.  Only now … now here you are and I’ve hurt you.  That’s not what I set out to do.” 

“I told you, you didn’t hurt me.  It always hurts.  There was an old woman that used to clean for Mother Mary before she got rid of her.  She said I’d always hurt because I started so young and stayed small.  That’s just the way it’s gonna be I guess.” 

“No.  It’s not gonna be that way.  We’ll figure something out and it ain’t happening again until we do.” 

“Roman …” 

“I mean it.  It’s supposed to be fun for both of us.  For now, let’s just rest.  You’re likely still recovering from … from all the stuff you’ve been through.  And I’m just … wore out … too.  There’s no one around to tell us what to do.  Nothing either one of us has to do right now.  Let’s just … enjoy being warm.” 

He shucked out of his boots and jeans and crawled in bed with me.  I wasn’t embarrassed of him looking at me which was strange because, clothes on or off, I had always hated the men looking at me including Alex. 

“Your skin is so soft.  Did … did I bruise you?  Like on your ankle?” 

“I bruise easy.  I always seem to have them some place.” 

“Hmmm.  When I go hunting I’ll bring you back a liver.  Liver is good for that sort of thing.  As a matter of fact, I’m going to bring you some furs to wear.  You’re so thin … you look all baby in the middle here.  That’s probably why you’re so cold.  Are my hands warm enough.” 

“If your hands were any warmer it would be my hair on fire.” 

“You’re just saying that.” 

“No I’m not.  It’s certainly nothing I’ve said to anyone else.  But …” 

“But we better not.  Not until we figure out some way so that it doesn’t hurt you afterwards.  C’mere.  I can hold you at least so you can be warm … so we both can get warm.”